Be more dog.
That’s what they say, isn’t it? Be more dog and you’ll have a happier life. You’ll live in the moment, find the joy in simple things and won’t sweat the small stuff.
But what if we dogs ruled the world? What if little ole me was Prime Minister? Never mind a manifesto, what would Wilson’s puppyfesto look like? (Bear with mother, she’s off a night shift typing this for me and she’s not slept for 28 hours…)
Without further ado, I would pledge:
To get Finn’s Law onto the statute books
If you’ve not heard about the Finn’s Law campaign, where have you been? This is a bid to give service animals adequate protection in law. It was started by police officer Dave Wardell after his police dog Finn was stabbed in October 2016 detaining a robbery suspect. Finn was lucky to survive and saved PC Wardell’s life. The waste of DNA that stabbed this brave dog could only be charged with criminal damage (rather than assault) because, as the law currently stands, police dogs are classed as property – in exactly the same way that a plant pot is property.
The Private Member’s Bill has passed its second reading in Parliament – quite a feat in itself – and now goes to the committee stage. The tireless members of Team Finn are within sniffing distance of getting all service animals the legal protection they deserve.
You can read all about the campaign, and see plenty of photos of Finn himself, on the Finn’s Law website.
To remove a police response from anyone who assaults a police officer
If you’re some lowlife who is convicted of assaulting a police officer – by punching, kicking, biting, spitting, stabbing or in any other way – then I’m afraid PM Wilson will pop you to the bottom of the deployment list if you dial 999 and want the police to help you out.
That’s right. If you decide to headbutt an officer, and several months later want the police to come to your aid when that drug dealer you owe money to decides it’s payback time…well, I’m afraid you’ll be on the Naughty List. And those on the Naughty List face the consequences of their lifestyle choices, without the hard-pressed police having to pitch up and save them from a good drubbing.
To sling those guilty of animal neglect or cruelty into a deep pit
With some hungry tigers.
And those who leave their dogs in hot cars would themselves be locked in their vehicles for the same length of time to see how much fun they find it.
To make anyone who has 2+ dogs have at least one adopted pooch
There will always be people willing to spend hundreds of pounds (or more) for a particular breed of pedigree dog, which is absolutely fine. But if you have two dogs or more, PM Wilson states at least one must be adopted from a rescue or a shelter. And anyone earning more than £25,000 a year must make a donation of at least £10 per month to an animal charity – the equivalent of about four coffees out.
To make Ruffwear products cheaper
I’m a lucky dog – at the moment I’ve got two Ruffwear collars, two leads, two harnesses, a dog bowl and a cooling vest. This little lot has cost somewhere between £250-£300, according to the Bank of Mum. You can’t fault the quality, durability or practicality but cheap it ain’t.
To fine anyone who doesn’t take their dog on decent walks
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not every dog needs a two hour walk each day (although that’s just a standard walk for me and mum when the weather is cooler). Indeed, in this summer’s heatwave there have been several days where she’s not taken me out at all because it’s just been too hot, even with my Swamp Cooler on.
Hence why I’m a kilo heavier than I was in May. Ahem.
No, what I’m talking about here are people who own dogs and give them wholly inadequate exercise as a matter of course. There are two golden retrievers not a million miles from where we live that get a walk around the park once a day. Literally just that – a walk around the circumference of the park. And one of them isn’t even allowed off lead because she had no recall (which isn’t the dog’s fault is it?). Their garden is a tip – think Steptoe’s Yard – and, well, it’s no surprise that these dogs bark a lot because they’re so bored.
To make wasting cheese a criminal offence
Throw a bit of furry cheese in the bin, would you? Oh dear – go straight to jail, no not pass go and do not collect £200.
Cheese is life. Even if it’s got other life growing on it.
So, that my list for starters. I’m sure there are many more laws I could pass – mostly involving not wasting Marmite – but what d’ya reckon? What have I missed out? Let me know in the comments section below.